Ok Peeps, over the past 4 years I’ve been poked and prodded by a shit ton of doctors. Some of those doctors have been working for me and others having been working against me. My favorite is the doctor that looked all concerned to my face telling me I was in bad shape but then doing a nice little write up for his clients. Basically this write up was saying there is no way that I was in as much pain as I say because I don’t show it. So I am going to give anyone that wants to know the raw truth today.
As I write this post I am sitting on our boat out in the middle of Saratoga Lake. My handsome hubby is enjoying his Saturday fishing with our miniature Yorkie Pixie. Pixie LOVES fishing and doesn’t leave her daddy’s side. Rona, our boxer on the other hand hates it and just runs up and down the boat trying to eat the dragon flies. Now, what I didn’t mention to you in all of that is that I am sitting here in agony. The pain is excruciating and running from the middle of my back, down my right side all the way into my big toe. It hurts so bad that I could sit and cry but that is not something I do.
I’ve been asked time and time again if I’m in pain and the answer will always be the same. It is a resounding YES. I am in pain every single second, of every single day of my life and have been ever since the fall. But you will never look at me and see that pain. The pain is not clearly written on my face no matter how bad it is for the day. As we speak my man has absolutely no clue how much my back is killing me right now and he won’t know because I wont tell him.
WHY I”LL NEVER TELL
Now let me explain why you’ll never see pain written on my face. Why it is that when you look at me you would never know how truly wrecked I am.
It does no good for me to be miserable. Doesn’t do any good to be cranky, mean, grumpy. Me complaining about the pain I’m in changes nothing, for me anyway. It will change things for everyone I’m around though. If I am constantly complaining about my pain levels you’re going to get sick of hearing it. You’ll be sick of dealing with it, sick of being around a grumpy complainer. Oh you’ll feel bad for me, but that will be as far as it goes. Telling Tim my back is killing me will only result in ruining his day, it won’t change mine.
No one wants to be around a miserable person. There isn’t a single person on this planet that would want to live everyday with someone that is constantly complaining. The complaints, the resting bitch face or the look of pain on someone’s face isn’t pleasant. The only thing I would get out of that would be pity looks and divorce papers because I guarantee you no man will live life like that forever.
Letting people know your in pain all day doesn’t change the fact that your actually in pain. It changes absolutely nothing in the way you feel so I see no need in making it apparent. I’m more the “laugh it off” kind of person. I actually just take my meds and try my very best to ignore it. Living my life as normal as I can and keeping my issues to myself. I don’t want to be pitied nor want people to feel sorry for me or to look at me as being someone who is less than. So I will never tell you I’m in pain.
LIVING MY LIFE
We have a 2 year old granddaughter who is the apple of our eyes. She is the cutest, smartest, Iittle girl you will ever meet. She is also a spitfire, busy body, and active as all get out. There are times when you have to move quick to grab her. Times that you need to pick her up quick and no time to think about it.
Recently we were on a family vacation and one of those times came up. Let me tell you, I tripped and stumbled (foot drop issues) and wanted to cry out because that shit hurt so bad but instead I laughed it off with the rest of the family. Everyone had a good chuckle, I walked it off and popped some meds as soon as I got back to my chair. Not a single person knew I was in excruciating pain that day. I went on with the day with a smile on my face, played with our granddaughter and enjoyed the sun.
You want to know something? I’m actually kind of tired with having to prove that I’m actually in pain. Tired of having to worry about what others think, who’s watching what I’m doing and what the repercussions will be for it. The way that I look at it is like this. I am the ONLY one that suffers in pain for the actions I take. No one else will suffer, or will they?
Just yesterday I got a phone call from our son to pick up our granddaughter from daycare because he got called into work. As soon as she saw me she jumped from the top step where she was with her teacher into my arms 4 steps below them. No time to think there people, and no choice but to catch her. The consequences of my actions could have gone one of two ways. 1- I could have protected my back and let her jump the 4 steps and not caught her which would have resulted in her being injured, possibly a broken bone, bruises, cuts. Or 2- Her Nanny being a mommy of 3 doesn’t think about anything except catching her baby so nothing happens to her and dealing with whatever the consequences of protecting the Stinkerbella will be.
So let me say it again for the people in the back. In pain forever, all day, everyday but I will live my life as I see fit. I’ve been this way for the last 4 years, nothing has changed, not with therapy, shots, or surgery. I take the meds the docs provide, add Tylenol arthritis to them and try not to be a miserable person. It is what it is people, I put my big girl panties on and live everyday as best I can.
DON’T GIVE UP LIVING YOUR LIFE
If you too live a life of pain, don’t give up living your life. Don’t give up on yourself, on the things you enjoy. I know it sucks. Some days are so unbearable you don’t even want to get up. That’s okay! Everyone has crappy days, and daily pain is crappy but don’t let it control your life. Live life to the fullest as best you can with the cards you’ve been dealt. Everyday is a gift, even the ones where your in excruciating pain. Hey, at least you can feel the pain right? That’s got to mean your still here to live another day. Why not do it with a smile on your face. Remember, a smile goes a long way and it actually helps make you feel better and if it doesn’t at first, fake it until it does.
I feel like once you choose to ignore the pain and focus on something else your life begins to change for the better. I’m a big believer in mind over matter. Choosing to be happy and focusing on the things that make you happy helps when those super crappy days are trying to beat you down. Pain is just another part of my daily life and I choose to say F*#K you pain, this is my life.
Until I’m gone I’m going to travel and fall in love because adventure awaits ❤️